“How many times do I have to say I'm sorry” ?

 Thats what Phil Collins asks in his song “On the way to Heaven”.

We may ask the same question when we have wronged someone.  Jesus said  we should forgive someone who has wronged us between 77 and 490 times (depending on your translation), but how many times should I apologise to someone I have wronged? 

Many years ago Faith & I were debriefing with the head of the organisation we were with at the time. We had just experienced a traumatic episode which could have been better handled by the leadership.  As I shared my pain, the leader, a good and godly man who I respect, apologised for the pain we were suffering.

As I kept expressing my pain he uttered the unfortunate words “I have already apologised”. 

They were not well received.  I felt like screaming ‘your apology doesn't change what I'm going through!! 

It’s easy for you to say, but it doesn't change my pain which your action has caused.” Yet even in my frustration I was asking myself “what else can he say or do that would undo, or even relive, the pain I'm feeling?”

In the intervening years I have revisited that question, especially when I've found myself apologising to someone who has kept on expressing their hurt even after I have apologised.

One thing I’ve learnt: just because I apologise and am ready to "move on" doesn't mean the other person is. Inevitably when I've hurt someone I'm more ready (keen even) to "move on" than the person I have hurt. Pain and pride in both parties can be a mine field. (that's worthy of a discussion in itself)

This is where a written apology has some advantages. It’s the apology that ‘keeps on apologising’.  
A person can go back to it again and again, re-read it, and as they work through their pain it’s there to re-affirm and remind that the one apologising meant it.

Can that be achieved with a spoken apology or is it somehow different?   A lot may depend  on our attitude.  If I am truly sorry then I shouldn’t mind repeating my apology for however long it takes to ‘sink in’. After all, in a very real way, if I am sorry for something at one point, do I somehow stop being sorry for it at some time down the road?

But rather than repeating “I apologise” ad nauseum, it may be more helpful (and accurate) to say “my apology still stands and I am happy to repeat it for as long as it takes for you to really hear it.”

If what Jesus said is any indication, this could take anywhere between 77 – 490 times.
But if we really are sorry, it’s worth it to restore peace with someone we have wronged.
What do you think?

Angelo